Wednesday, July 29, 2009
{ 6:39 AM }
its okay if you are avoiding me, i guess.
i dont know if you are lying about not knowing that i blocked you and thought i was appearing offline.
i dont know how many lies you have told me to cover yourself.
maybe none, maybe so often i cant really tell when you are lying to me.
so lesson learnt:
whatever you have on your pm is definitely not referring to me.
'no matter how hard it gets'
'stranger'
all these, wont be referring to me.
each time, i come back home hoping to get some homework done.
all i get is just nagging and nagging from my mother.
'are you going to go sleep ?'
'finish up your dinner'
'why arent you sleeping yet'
it makes me so unmotivated to study
makes me want to just give up and lie on the bed and just sleep.
like, forget about homework.
i dont know what you want from me although you care about me.
the least i could expect was an encouragement.
something like, jiayou. or maybe a hot milo to keep me going.
not nagging me to go sleep.
i hate losing my temper.
i hate giving up so easily.
why cant people understand that im not that strong.
im just like everyone else.
putting up a brave front.
how shady has your relationship been, ryan.
how shameful it must be that we were once together.
should i just block and delete you?
if fate allowed it,
if we were really meant to be,
maybe we would meet again somewhere in the future.
i believed that we were meant to be.
and i still do.
i remember you used to say we were meant to be.
then when you broke up with me,
we were suddenly not meant to be for you.
i dont want to know if it was because you didnt feel romance in the relationship
i dont want to know if you defined romance as physical touch.
i dont want to know if you have rid me off your head, that you have stopped thinking about me.
that you probably are thinking of some other girl in your school.
how cute she is. how sweet she is.
how you want to hold her hand.
i just want to self delude myself.
that ill wait for you, and you will soon be touched.
even if you wont be, at least this feeling, will always be with me.
to believe in fate,
is a really hard thing to do.
i dont know what to do.
and i dont want to hear what people say.
maybe the answer will come to me someday.
Monday, July 27, 2009
{ 7:09 PM }
i dreamt of you last night.
for ten seconds.
i forgot what it was about.
all i can remember was that you were sitting across me, and you were giving that smile.
that smile i waited for so long.
the slightest hint that you liked me.
though its a dream, though i forgot how that smile looked like when i opened my eyes,
i felt thankful.
that at least, i was given a chance to see the smile that i have been longing to see.
you can hate me, this feeling can be one sided. (ok maybe you cannot hate me obviously i dont want you to hate me BUT WHY AM I TALKING TO MYSELF HERE. ZZZ)
it doesnt really matter now.
i just want to retain this feeling i have for you.
because it hurts trying to get rid of it.
it hurts trying so hard while nothing seems to be working.
time will heal all wounds huh.
lets see how long this takes.
